Last Friday, I was home from work, and Laurie and I decided to take Gracie swimming. It turns out that every Friday is "pool day" for our ward at this particular rec. center we decided to go to. So, when we get to the pool, there are already about 8-10 mothers from our ward with their children there... I was the only dad.
If you know me, you probably already know that I am one very hairy man... Chest, Arms, Legs, Back... everywhere. In fact, several years ago, when Laurie and I went on a cruise, I entered the hairy chest contest, and was only beaten by one old man who wasn't nearly as hairy as I was, but had saggy breasts that the crowd loved for some reason... anyway, that's a different story. My point is, I'm really hairy. Sometimes I feel a little self-conscious about it, but not nearly enough to wear a t-shirt while swimming.
So, we get ready to swim, and I take my t-shirt off. My lovely body hair floating on the warm breeze... My family had a great time swimming, and although I thought about the hair occasionally while swimming, it didn't bother me all that much.
FAST FORWARD...
This week, I hear from a man in our ward that one of the women from our ward who was at the pool that day was slightly disgusted by my body hair. She went home and forced her husband to shave his chest... I AM JUST A LITTLE PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS!!!!!! I mean, it's not mold, or a virus or anything... it's hair. How shallow can you be? The worst part is that she (or her husband) feels the need to talk about it in ward social circles as though I'm Quasimoto or something...
I'm considering now, how I should react to this. So far, I've come up with two alternatives, as follows:
1) I could confront this woman and tell her to "kiss my hairy white butt!", which would probably be considered as crass, and probably wouldn't win me any friends.
2) I could start a story floating around our ward about how I'm considering forcing Laurie to remove her skin. That way, there will be no chance that her skin will ever be as wrinkly and old-leather looking as the skin of the shallow woman at the pool. I could start by just telling a few strategic people in the ward, and, no doubt, the story would soon reach her ears... Then she would either feel like a real dumb-a or be really ticked at me or both. This is probably not a good response either.
So, I'm left to do nothing put fell inner angst at this situation, and publish it to the entire world on my blog (I think only about 2.5 people read this blog anyway). There's always the chance that somehow people in my ward will find this blog and then start the story for me anyway... That would be fun!
Finally, one further option is to stand up in testimony meeting at church and summarize the Dr. Seuss story of the "Star-Belly Sneetches", and follow it up with a statement that we shouldn't judge ourselves better than others because we do or don't have stars or hair on our bellies. Sometimes people are too shallow to understand the jab is directed at them though, so it would probably be a waste of effort on my part.
I guess I'm stuck with venting on my blog... 'Til next time!
We are here, we are here, we are here!
12 years ago
9 comments:
I am so ticked off on your behalf. My brother is super hairy (I'm pretty sure he had back hair as a 15 yr old) and he always felt bad about it because stupid girls in school would make comments about how gross chest hair is, etc. Why are people so dumb? But then, I married Jon and felt cheated on our honeymoon because he had about 3 chest hairs total. At least there is something about having a kid that seems to make dads sprout more...
I think you should get a jack-o-lantern and stick a knife in it and put a sign on it that says ,"YOU." Then you should leave it on her doorstep!! Remember that Deep Thought by Jack Handy???? But seriously, what a witch. I think you should go to the pool every time she's going to be there. You should parade around right in front of her or maybe even stand by her and shake the water from your hair onto her! Or you could have Laurie use wax strips and put a big F U in your hair and THEN go to the pool and take off your shirt right in front of her.
Raysha, thanks for the options!! Laurie was reading over my shoulder, and we both got a kick out of it. I like the F U idea... Maybe I'll do that and shake my water off onto her!
You. crack. us. up! I think that you should have done the star-bellied sneeches thing in testimony meeting today. Even if she didn't catch on, at least you would have a little inside laugh. And of, course, I REALLY like Raysha's ideas. I really can't believe how shallow she is...wait it's church, yes I can! :)
I don't know Gus, the old mans saggy breast were rather tempting. ;)
Raysha, I am still cracking up thinking of your AWESOME ideas and can't wait to see the look on the nice lady's face when he puts them all to use!
Hairy Men = Real Men!
Okay, not only did this post make me laugh several times ("hair gently blowing in the warm breeze"!!!) but you bring up a good point. That bites to find out from a third source that someone has been saying unkind things about you.
Truly, though, I think most people will see the "shallow woman" as being at fault in this situation, and you will remain high in their esteem if you don't do anything drastic about it - although the idea of the hairy belly sneech testimony is hilarious!
Gus, I usually don't leave comments on blogs but this situation is right up my alley! Here are some ideas:
1.) Monitor when she goes to the pool and show up coincidentally right after she does....and try to be as close to her as possible. It would be an added bonus to shave her name in your chest!!!! :-)
2.) Take a picture of yourself in your bathing suit and tape it on her door with the following comment: It could be worse.....I could've been born as heartless and ugly as you!
3.) Shave your chest hair and put it in an envelope with a note saying something like: Maybe this hair can help warm your cold heart you inconsiderate puta!!!
Please feel free to use your imagination to any of these. And do me a favor would ya......please RETURN AND REPORT!!!! I gotta know if you had the gonads to do anything......even if you just turn your check. (hairy cheek!!)
Good luck. -Jason
i learned a long time ago that there's always going to be someone that can't stand something about me...and that they're going to want to talk about it to someone. so i decided that as long as i know i'm doing my best and not trying to be rude to anyone, then i can't really care what other people think. i just have to do my thing and not worry about it.
two asides: 1) i'm w/ angie, i laughed out loud a few times...2) gossip is probably the one thing that i ABSOLUTELY cannot tolerate! it drives me BONKERS! so i'm sorry you were the brunt of all the negative and evil effects of it.
Until Laurie met you, my dad was the hairiest man I ever knew -- and also the most lovable. Obviously, this gal has a little work to do. I loved some of these suggestions... shaving her name onto your back is great!
Do tell if you decide to do anything...
Post a Comment